My soul fell, today

Today, I felt about the worst I have felt since POTS. I felt crazy with exhaustion and brain fog. Brain working a second behind what was happening. Hopeless. Heavy. Uncoordinated. My vision swam. My ears screamed. Any movement made me feel like I was trying to stand up on a pitching boat. I did what I could not to act that way, and I can do that to a large extent…people want to see normal so they will stretch the boundaries a little to make what they see LOOK normal. You really can feel that bad and no one will notice. I really can stagger through life wondering if I will get down an ENTIRE hallway without incident, I really can wonder all day if I’m having a stroke because I can’t come up with what I was just going to say or am not entirely sure where I am on a route I’ve driven a hundred times. I really can feel so tired that every time I sit down I’m not convinced I’ll be able to stand up again. And I can do that without a single solitary soul having a shred of sympathy. I don’t know if they’re just tired of me flitting like a shadow, half there, if they can’t understand how sick a person can feel and still be upright, or even if they think I’m lying. If when I’m NOT lying on the floor, there must be no cause for concern. (I did not lie on the floor today because I seriously doubted I would be able to get up if I did.) I just feel very tired and, worse, hopeless and very alone right now.

One thought on “My soul fell, today

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