Just ranting today. I felt exhausted for a solid week, POTS was bad, and I pushed through it minus doing much to take care of myself: no healthy food, not enough rest, no sessions on my recumbent bicycle. My job is fairly insane right now. It causes me constant stress and long hours without time to sit down and eat lunch, etc. Everyone is cranky. So all week I’ve flogged myself through work and come home to collapse on the couch to mindlessly watch TV and eat junk food because I’m too tired to cook. My house is a mess, nothing is done on my to do list, and when that happens I feel overwhelmed as to where to start.
I’m feeling pretty blah. Meaning I ended up lying on the floor sobbing yesterday. Lying on the floor is common, but sobbing is not. I hate crying. I’m not sure why THIS trip to the floor was one over my limit, but for whatever reason I just felt DOOMED. I sat on a pity pot. Metaphorically. I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of feeling sick whenever I eat and barfing all the time (that’s why I got up too fast this time), I’m tired (WORN THE FUCK OUT) from having to constantly think about whether I’m about to fall. I’m tired of actually falling; I’m tired of hurting myself. I’m tired of being unable to concentrate or read a book. I’m tired of getting even more tired and feeling my brain fog reach a level where I think “WTF am I even supposed to be doing right now?” I’m tired of not being able to do stuff I want to do because I can’t be upright that long, although I’m gloomy enough now that I don’t even feel like doing anything to begin with. The only reason I’m out of bed today is that I don’t feel like lying there either.
Often it helps me to ponder that I’m not that badly off. Lots of people have really serious terminal painful shit going on, and those people would be overjoyed to have the OPTION of doing the things I need to get done. Or to ponder that I have a life that some people can only dream of: I own a home, my car runs well, I have a job and no crazy debt, I can afford to purchase healthy food…that list is very long. LIVE AND APPRECIATE THE LIFE DREAMS ARE MADE OF.
That is not helping today. I seem to have regressed to roughly 3 years of age emotionally and am mentally having a tantrum and drumming my heels on the floor because I don’t feel good, don’t know why, and have no idea what I want to fix it. I don’t like it. My plan is to finish my coffee, brush my teeth, and just start getting some stuff done.