I’m feeling shitty because after feeling pretty horrible for the last 2 weeks, but managing to go to work, I now feel so horrible that I couldn’t work yesterday and have had to call in again today. Fucking POTS and/or carcinoid and/or whatever else is conspiring to steal my life. Dizziness is so severe I can barely just walk around in my house, and I have a TINY, tiny house. Brain fog is so horrible I can’t even read a book.
It sounds like it would be nice to have an excuse to take off work, but in reality the suck factor is fairly severe. I can’t do anything. I’m tired but can’t sleep all the time and don’t particularly want to sleep my life away anyway. I’m too dizzy to even sit up for very long, and having to lie down when you’re not sleeping is a paramount example of boredom. I’m so pissed at my body. I mean just get up and DO something, for crying out loud.
Is this what chronic illness does to you? Just steals away your life, a little bit every day? I’m railing against just being unable to do things I feel like I should be able to do.
On the carcinoid front, I had more labs drawn yesterday so just more waiting on those results. My PCP sent a referral over to the nearest Big Medical Center to see if someone there has any ideas. I did finally get a glimpse of my own “flushing,” which until then I’ve just heard about. I felt like I was about to fall over and felt hot, but was safely seated, so I took a selfie and sent it off to a coworker. She said yes, that is what people are talking about. I thought my whole head must be red, but it just looks like my cheekbones and chin are stained red. It does look pretty weird. I’m a very pale person normally. But it really doesn’t look all that dramatic to me compared with what I was imagining when they described it.
So here I am, awake and with nowhere to go and an empty day facing me.